Testing shortage solved!
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
What does an Italian terminator say
Pasta-lavista
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
