Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Me: Oooof
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Butterflies
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.” Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies….. “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!” “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…