This is an all star post
Debugging multiple threads in Visual Studio
How it feels like in university
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Seen this flag flying a lot lately at quarantine protests… gentle reminder.
I can’t really explain it
The system is broken
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Was any of it worth it?
He got my expectations up
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
I’m still worthy
That’s so sad… Wiretap play Despacito.
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
From my grandma… thanks.
Zippity zappity stop that fappity
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.” The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
Founded Today in my CS class room
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
“But muh freedum!”
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
Reminds me of the job I quit most recently.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
That’s a point
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
Sodium chloride in water
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
My own mother isn’t immune to boomer humour
At my local Walmart
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
Which is better Celsius or Kelvin?
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Masterbation, a universal language
If the crimes are inconvenient, we let them slide
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
Coronavirus is not an “Opportunity Zone”
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
Made mediocre black bean soup and dropped the pot in my hand