“Texting Bee”
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
The waiter had a spoon in his pocket
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?" "Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration please.”
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!