tfw the captions take up way more space than the actual meme
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
Me: I’m terrified of the Backstreet Boys
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
A married couple are lying in bed one night…
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
Harry Potter erotica
I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there. I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story. Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd. I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!