Thank god for IntelliSense
I put the wrong socks on this morning
… so they can beat the crowds!
Their only drawback is the string.
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
For my black jeep…
"Ah, say no more"
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
When it's full groan.
There was a B
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Hindsight will be 2020.
it’s not stroganoff.
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I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."