Thank god right?
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"