Thank you Aunty for the quality boomerhumor.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Don’t tell anyone this…
This is Top Secret . . . . . . . . This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist…..
And immediately received 50,000 matches!!
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.