Thank you father
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
