Thank you for the opportunity
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I canβt wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Electrons have mass?!
I didnβt even know they were catholic!
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow
But he's outstanding in his field!
βI love you loads, honey pie.β My wife said earlier.
βAnd I love you tons.β I replied. βWhat, no nickname for me?β She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cowβs going deaf.
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Give a man porn flick and he’ll masturbate for a day…
… Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure itβs not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
My idiot friend keeps saying, βEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.β
I said, βTry ordering Tacos instead, moron.β
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents…
Itβs a gift…
βThey were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!β
https://ift.tt/348hPT8
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
My mom just told me, β Donβt forget that tomorrow is Motherβs Day.β
I said, βRemember, itβs also son day.β
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
Did you hear about the new movie βConstipationβ?
It Hasnβt come out yet. But Critics are saying itβs crap. And thereβs a sequel…. βNumber 2β
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
I donβt understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, Gβday is just gay with a d rammed into it.
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
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Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.