Thank you for your service
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
No text found
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.