Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Then I realized I hate country music.
Because it’s capsized.
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
…but I don’t believe him…
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
I told her we use names here.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
Click here to find out!
A roamin' Catholic!
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Because I'm Canadian.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I won't be able to live with myself.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Dinner is on me
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
It's so refreshing
Look for the fresh prints
“My roof has disappeared”