Thank your President DIY kit
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
Is it still called beef when vegans fight
It depends on what's at steak
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
I asked a French man if he played videogames
He said "wii"
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller