Thanks Cardi
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
Beethoven’s grave
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
What do you call a man who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor.
