Thanks “Did You Fail Sex Ed?” FB group for the content
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.