thanks, discord, for letting me see this
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
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Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
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Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
