Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture…..
But when I got home, the tables were turned
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
