Thanks for letting me know this is a good use of photoshop
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?” The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
So they can beat the crowd.
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
He now makes me pay in advance
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
Leave me the fuck cologne.
How do you ruin a joke?
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Au jus wish.
Too much socky.
Cum on guys
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
But on the other hand im fine
It kept ringing
And turning into a driveway.
I decided to let the kid sleep
They'd have to spell it different.
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.