Thanks for letting me know
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing.
But my kids are still here.
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
