Thanks for saying you’re reblogging it, it really enhanced my experience of the joke, couldn’t even imagine it without that addition now
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
Son : “Why is the food so cold and bland?”
Dad : "Because your mother put her heart and soul into it."
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
