Thanks for saying you’re reblogging it, it really enhanced my experience of the joke, couldn’t even imagine it without that addition now
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
So proud of my daughter for this one… “Why do fishes swim in salt water?”
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
I am retired…
I was tired yesterday and I am tired today as well.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
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You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is beginning to deliver the baby
The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I…" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You have a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to…" Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
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