Thanks for that caption
The Girlfriend Joke
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself. Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?" And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh… No thanks, I'm good." "Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out." So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this." So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner." So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick. A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it." So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever. So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream. So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me." I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well…alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again." "Wait, what? Why not? What happened?" "Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me." "I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person" "She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me." "I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow." I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on. So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up. Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her. Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
When your project had 300+ bugs, but insted of correcting them you make 300+ workarounds
https://ift.tt/2Q7RSOP
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
My girlfriend shouted at me, βARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!β
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Dating is a lot like fishing…
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, βFeed the elephant a bun to get your ageβ The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps itβs foot 6 times. βWowβ says the boy, βThatβs right I am 6, you have a go dad!β The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… βBajaysus thatβs rightβ said the father, βI am farty two!β
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, βHowβd you land someone that young?β βItβs simple,β said the billionaire, βI faked my age!β βI mean, Iβm 43, and thereβs no way I could land her!β, a friend exclaims. βWhat age did you tell her you were?β Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, β85 years old.β
Dentist always dumb questions like βwhenβs the last time you flossed?β
Like bro you were there wtf
Whatβs the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now Iβm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
βI had sex with another woman last night,β he tells her. βBut I was thinking of you the whole time.β Β βYou miss me that much?β she asks. Β βNo,β he says. βBut it kept me from cumming too fast.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldnβt stomach my cheesy jokes.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
The Godfatherβs relaxing at his social club…
…with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up. The Godfather calls one of them over. βJimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me youβre serious, that you can be trusted.β Jimmy swells with pride. βI got a job I need you to do for meβ βAnything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.β βI want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.β Jimmyβs silent for a moment. βUm… excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me toββ The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him. βJimmy, itβs for the family.β Jimmy snaps to attention. βGot it, Godfather. For the family.β Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, βMission accomplished.β Then he goes back over to The Godfather. βSo, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?β The Godfather says, βYouβre a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.β Then he says, βDo it again.β βWHAAAβ!β Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, βJimmy, itβs for the family.β Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, βOk, Godfather. Whatever you say.β This time heβs gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, heβs nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, βIs there…um… you got anything else, Godfather?β The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message. βOh nooo…β The Godfather holds up one finger. βOne more time, Jimmy.β This time, heβs in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, βGodfather, this thing you have asked of me: Iβve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything Iβve got. There is nothing left to give.β βTake it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.β He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy. βHereβs the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.β
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
Thank you
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you π
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.