thanks god
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
![[Meme] U$MLE giving up their money maker for the next 12-18 months](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ui6m0lx6s7151-400x393.jpg)
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
FREDDIE MERCURY APPEARS BEFORE BEFORE BRYAN MAY IN A PUFF OF SMOKE
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
