Thanks grandpa
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
A Harold and Kumar movie would be the purrfect project for Smudge
A Harold and Kumar movie would be the purrfect project for Smudge
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat
'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher 'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy 'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher 'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
iPhone 12 Trailer – 48 Cameras (Parody)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.
There were a lot of red flags.