Thanks, Grandpa
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Coming soon to a prison near you…
Coming soon to a prison near you…
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere