A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book … and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
My wife is leaving me because she’s fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later…