Thanks, I really needed that red box btw
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
Whatβs the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
I couldnβt follow the storyline of Stephen Kingβs βItβ
Too many Maine characters.
What does a womanβs pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and youβre in deep shit.
Iβm going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says βIβm sorry folks, but weβve just lost both engines. Weβre going to crash and die.β The teacher exclaims βOh my God, the poor children!β The lawyer replies βFuck the children!β The priest asks βDo we have time?β
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you canβt run.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading itβ¦
My Science Teacher donβt know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
Iβve decided Iβm dressing in a costume for Christmas. Iβm going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. Iβm going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) SeΓ±or
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priestβs congregation and the others belonged to the rabbiβs. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. βRabbi! What are you doing?β he asked. The rabbi replied, βIn my community, they recognize me by my face!β
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didnβt help me at all.
If youβre having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.