Thanks, I really needed that red box btw
Because I'm Canadian.
To beat the crowd.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
He's a Cairo-practor…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
An ambulance you racist!!
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
Because x was always 10.
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Just five more minutes.
He orders a bear.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
The element of surprise!
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Because it's the scenter
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
Because you're a fucking joke.
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In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Because its the scenter
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
The title says it all.
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
That day, I was bamboozled.
They each got six months.