thanks, I thought I wouldn’t notice the conment
Elongate would really stretch on.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
I’m gonna put my glasses on
She was just pulling my leg.
but backwards it’s even more stupid
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
Because it's made of hide!
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
In Google Docs.
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
But whiskey will double your vision.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Boil the hell out of it.
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
…I can't pull anything out in time!
I never knew horses even got tattoos.