Thanks IFunny!
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex
English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
