Thanks kid, I really needed that for clarity.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture…..
But when I got home, the tables were turned
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.