Thanks mom
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
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