Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
I’m easily suede.
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
I nearly fell out of my tree.
I hope it's just a phase.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
The second time let me down
He was cleared of all charges.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Let me know if you can't come
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I have a father figure.
Long answer: yes.
Some asshole has my pen
No text found
They have trouble sweeping..
There could be salad dressing in there.