Thanks Obama
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, βwhatβs the WiFi password?β
The bartender replies, βyou need to buy a beer first.β So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, βwhatβs the WiFi password?β The bartender replies, βyou need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.β
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
A wise Chinese man once said
δΈθ¦ηΏ»θ―
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
Someone threw cheese at meβ¦
Real mature!
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said βDonβt worry weβll all be in the same boatβ
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, βYup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.β The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, βNope, ainβt Bubba.β The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, βYup heβs pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.β The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, βNo, it ainβt Bubba.β The mortician asked, βHow can you tell?β Gary said, βWell, Bubba had two assholes.β βWhat? He had two assholes?β asked the mortician. Yup, Iβve never seen βem, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, βHere comes Bubba with them two assholes!β
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. π
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I could really see myself making mirrors.
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HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE YβALL!
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though