Thanks, /r/boottoobig.
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
E Minor is Spooky.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…
And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
Nametag?
Nametag?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.