Thanks satan
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
You can’t plant any flowers
if you haven’t botany
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
A dad was washing his car with his son.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
