An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
Their words, not mine.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
He was high on my list of priorities
I just want to make myself clear.
I’ll beheading there soon.
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
That she was a little boulder.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
tells me to sit
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
No text found
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
I would probably only drive it from time to time
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!" Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS ANGELA?" Matt, realizing that he just said another girls name during sex, tries to cover it up with an excuse, and replies "Oh? You don't know what "Angela" means? Haha its a newer slang term, which means 'here I come, take my load!'" Sarah gives a puzzled look, and forgets about it in the moment as they continue to cuddle in bed. The next day, Sarah meets up for the first time with a group of girls at her dorm, and meets Rose, and they have a good time and slowly become friends. After hesitating for a while, Sarah casually asks, "Hey, do you know what Angela means? Something boys are starting to say more often?" to which Rose replies, "no, not really." Sarah continues to say that it means "here I come, take my load!" Rose, confused, looks back at her and says: "I heard that's what "Sarah" means?"
Because it was two-tired
It's not hard
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
I am getting over it, slowly.
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
The German replies "Nein, just one."
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Right where you left him.