Thanks to my gaming chair and my 144Hz multimonitor setup, I can write code 40% more efficiently.
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
