Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
Somebody stole my mood ring…
I still don't know how I feel about that.
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
A farmer has triplets, and they’re getting ready for prom night
. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him. The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe. The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says – “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??" "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H