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Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.
Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to feed a family. "Would you look at the size of that Fucker!" he exclaims, startling the second priest. "Hey, you can't talk like that; you're a man of the cloth. I'm a man of the cloth!" Says the second priest, scandalised. The first priest raises his hands in a calming gesture "It's ok my good fellow, that's the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." After breathing a sigh of relief, the second priest is able to appreciate the fish a bit more. "Why don't we cook it for our dinner with the His Holiness the Pope tonight" he says. The first priest agrees, and they go their separate ways, the first priest to return their boat and the second to deliver the fish into the Vatican. Priest number two lobs up at the convent and knocks at the door, a sister answers and he proudly shows her the fish. "Could the mother superior cook this Fucker for our dinner with His Holiness the Pope?" He asks. Scandalising the poor sister. "You can't talk like that!" she says "You're a man of the cloth. I'm a woman of the cloth". "Fret not, dear sister" the priest says "that is the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." Mollified the nun agrees to prepare the fish for the mother superior to cook. She scales and guts the fish and then calls on the mother superior. "Mother, I have prepared this Fucker so that you may cook it for our dinner tonight with His Holiness the Pope". Mum superior nearly has a heart attack. "My child" she shrieks "We are women of the cloth. You cannot use such language!" The nun placates the mother by explaining that the fish is an Italian Fucker Fish. And, so assured, she agrees to cook the fish for their dinner with His Holiness. Later that night both Priests, the Nun and the Mother Superior are at dinner with His Holiness the Pope. They remove the silver cover from their meal and serve the fish. The Pope takes a few bites and a sip of wine and states "This fish is fantastic, practically divine" "I caught the Fucker." Says the first priest. "Well I brought the Fucker into the city." Says the second. "I scaled and gutted the Fucker." Says the nun. "And I cooked the Fucker." Says the mother superior. His Holiness takes a look around the table, takes another sip of his wine and says "You know what? You cunts are alright!"
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
A Husband Whispers in his Wife’s Ear at the Bar
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!" OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.
It was a vial substance.
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, “I want to try on the bra in the front window.”
I said, “I think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”