Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
I tried making a joke about broke people.
It ended poorly.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
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Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony