That adds nothing
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression.
Kikkoman when he's down, I guess.
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
Otherwise
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Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, โYou canโt do this to me!โ I said, โI knowโฆ thatโs why Iโm doing it to her.โ
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Iโm trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think itโs working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and Iโm looking for clues in the garden.
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. ๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
If you boil a funnybone…
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
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I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I watched a documentary about beavers last night
It was the best dam program Iโve ever seen
A magician stops a woman on a street….
โPick a card, any cardโ he says. She grabs one at random. โNow, look away and memorize that card. Donโt show me.โ She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. โPush,ย PUSHโ the midwife and doctors urged. โYouโre almost there!โ โThe baby! Sheโs crowning!โ โBut… whatโs that in herย HAND???โ โIt… it looks like…โ โIsย THISย your card?โ a familiar voice said.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I wanted a hike.
So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.