That blew his socks off
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!"
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
3 dogs walk into a bar ..
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!" The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?". The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?" "No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
No text found
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
There were three guys on a plane
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and they’re walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying “An apple came down and killed my cat” she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said “a lemon came down and killed my dog” They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said “I farted and the guy behind me exploded”