That Damn Cat
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Super Bowl Halftime
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.