THAT FRIEND 😜
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.
She almost poked my eye out.
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot….
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I asked my wife if she would wear gloves if she had no hands? She said – ermmm nooo..
Then why are you wearing a bra?
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*