I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
I donβt like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I canβt afford it.
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, βThisβll teach her for being late.β
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I canβt.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Why donβt keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. Youβve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, weβd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and weβre afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. Iβm sorry…we canβt hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Iβll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "thatβs all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? Iβm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
βI want to be President one day.β Trump says, βAre you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?β The kid replies, βYou know what, Iβve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.β
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight. The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile. At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display. And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night. Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars. The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking. "Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh." "I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now." This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them. He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess." The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display. The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer. "It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
Why donβt aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"