That miner has COVID-19
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
What do you call a caring prostitute?
Someone who gives a fuck
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
Would you remarry if I die……
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: "Shit."