That science teacher
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said “yes!”
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!