Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
But let me give it a shot.
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
what does smoking Marijuana do?
I haven’t heard from him since.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
They're so full of themselves.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
"You know, one would have been enough."
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought… Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men…it's a trap. There's two of them."
I was afraid of that.
Or should I spread em apart?
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
He said it was on the house
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
A man that states the obvious
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
They twerk from home.
A grill runs out of gas
But it was worth a shot
That’s seven years in a row now!!
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
Cause light attracts bugs.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
They use a pumpkin patch!
Is February 14th.