My friend charges Β£20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends Iβd choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, βWait! Iβm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, βThis is so unrealistic.β
I said, βJust because youβre unwilling to try new things, doesnβt mean everyoneβs that frigid.β βNot that,β she explained, βItβs just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.β
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
I donβt understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Dentist: βThis will hurt a little.β
Patient: βOK.β Dentist: βIβve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.β
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.