That was my reaction inside my head yesterday.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….