That was painful to read
She said no both times
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
That was not a good sign.
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
Strange way to start a conversation….
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
Now I want to break three.
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Outlaws are wanted
All it does is hold me back
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
He said only thyme would tell.
But most have 4
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
It could be a lifesaver.
you say it in a British accent.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
If you look up the word "flabby".
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
It's Holy Shit.
Cut off its nose.