“That was the best joke i’ve heard all month”
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
